What Do You Think?

As much as I love music, sometime I crave information and a good conversation. That is why you'll often find me listening to my local NPR station. Yesterday during the Diane Rehm show author Linda Mills was interviewed about her book, Violent Partners: A Breakthrough Plan for Ending the Cycle of Violence. Mills is also the founder of NYU's Center on Violence and Recovery. Mills who endured a number of violent relationships as a younger woman has created a plan for couples who have decided to work through their violent relationship rather than end them. Of course, this is a controversial approach, as most of us have been taught the best (and only) way to deal with an abuser is to leave the relationship. Mills believes that a good number of abusers and victims can benefit from intervention and counseling. She's more concerned with exploring the causes of abuse and the pathology of both the abuser and the victim. Mills also claims that nearly half of abusive relationships involve back and forth abuse from both the man and the woman, but because the woman is almost always the one who is injured, the focus is on the man as the abuser. She also said the statistics have shown that nearly 25% of abusive relationships involve men who are being abused by women. That said, her program requires the victims of abuse to recognize their role in the abuse. As you can imagine, victim rights advocates and "mainstream feminists" have a major problem with this thinking. Mills says that by admitting the victim may have played a role in the abuse she/he is empowered to take an active role in changing the dynamic of the relationship.
I'm happy to say I've never been in a physically abusive relationship, though I've been around men who have what I call abusive tendencies. I like to think I've been spared because I make it clear that I do not tolerate physical violence and should it ever come to that, there will be (dire) consequences. Thank God they believe me and leave me be. However, if I were to find myself in a violent relationship I don't know that I would be able to work through it. I'm one of those people who's been taught, if he hits you - leave. But listening to Linda Mills has forced me to re-think my position. What do you think?

To hear the interview, click here.

Cougars - The New May-December Romance.

"Because Black don't crack and the young ones know it." - Ms. Mattie ( a life long cougar)
Ladies,

Can we talk? As you know, I am a thirty something woman soon to be single again and quite frankly enjoying my freedom - for now. Eventually I would like to get back into the game and hopefully settle down - for good. But until then, I'm just looking to hang out and laugh a little. Being in the media/entertainment industry can be a blessing and curse on this front. On the one hand I come across tons of somewhat interesting but really good-looking men who are also in to music, movies, and culture. Problem is, most of them are younger. Like 5-10 years younger. My other 30 something single friends seem to be encountering the same issue, I mean here we are beautiful, successful and still full of life and it seems all the men who are our age or older are tired (literally and figuratively). Perhaps this is why more and more women 30+ are joining the ranks of the thousands ladies who now wear the label COUGAR with pride. You know, cougar, the older woman who "preys" upon young unsuspecting men, the men who once bitten come under the powerful (but oh so wonderful) spell of a mature, experienced and confident, older woman.

Hollywood is all over this trend. Halle, Mariah and Vanessa are just a few of the women who decided to go younger (and if I may say so, FINER). But it doesn't stop there, google "Cougar Dating" and you'll find more than a few websites dedicated to older women who are looking for younger men.

When I was about 20 I said that if I reached 40 and was still single I would start strolling college campuses looking for young virile (pronounced: VEE-RIYAL) men who still had a little life in them. I was only half-kidding. Since I don't plan to be 40 and single (from my keyboard to God's ears) I guess I ought to start now. Maybe I'll start with the graduate schools. Young and educated - Oh La La!
If you're wondering why a young man would want to date an older woman, you need only ask a few that have. In doing research for this post, I came upon a number of really interesting quotes from guys who love their ladies with a little "experience"

In a nutshell, here's what they said

"..she's great in bed and the most interesting woman I've ever dated."

"All the women my own age seem frivolous by comparison"

"I love a woman who knows what she wants and is not afraid to get it"

"I am man with ambition and goals. I don't have time to bother with a woman who thinks her hair and fingernails are the most important thing in life."

Now before you go out running to look for one of these youngin's, I must warn you that most of the men I've talked to enjoyed the "no strings attached sex" aspect of the pairing most, but when asked about long term relationships admitted they were looking for women closer to their age who could join them in building a life together one brick at a time.

What to do? What to do?

Maybe I'll look for a youngin' (cause I hate to call them prey) when I want to hang out or go to a Jay-Z concert or something, but when it comes time for me to settle down maybe I'll look for someone a little closer to my age. Or maybe not!

Are you a cougar? Are you a man who loves older women? Leave a comment below. We need to talk!!!!

P.S. Cocoa Says... will be back tomorrow, so don't forget to come back and tune in

Cocoa Says....

The Anatomy of a List

More from my list:

He is:

happy, confident, skilled, ambitious, healthy, has a hobby, appreciates silence, not afraid to speak up, has good credit, generous, employed....

My list has about 80 things, how many things are on your list? Feel free to share in the comments section. Don't be scared, you may find an attribute on another list that you forgot to add to your own.